The Day I Lost Her
by proudmarveltrash
Summary: "I love you muchly, Huxley." "I love you muchlier, Susie." I promised myself that one day she would understand what I really meant by those words. She was my best friend, but every part of me wished I was strong enough to admit how badly I wanted her to be more. [ Chapters 15 & 16 of First Avengers told from Howard's POV - DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T READ FIRST AVENGERS - SPOILERS ]


_Thanks to reviewer Tay for giving me the idea for this. :)_

* * *

 **The Day I Lost Her**

A flick on my nose woke me up, followed by the sound of giggling. I knew instantly that Jo was trying to wake me up- and succeeding- but I wasn't ready to give in just yet. I pulled her tighter against my chest, pinning her arms down by her sides. "Sleep," I mumbled against her cheek in an admittedly weak attempt to keep her in bed with me.

"Not today, darling." Jo kissed the space between my eyebrows and I smiled, opening my eyes to watch her climb out of the bed. She hadn't redressed other than her underwear from the night before, and call me what you will but Jo is one beautiful woman. How could I _not_ watch her search through her clothes until she found the dark green army outfit she was looking for?

Once she had her pants on, I pushed myself up into a sitting position and re-focused on the actual conversation. "Why can't we sleep?"

"Because I'm going to kill Little Red," she shrugged nonchalantly. God, she was even worse than me at taking things seriously. "And before I can do that, I'm going to have to meet with the rest of our little gang to discuss strategy."

I nodded even though I didn't fully agree with her going out on this mission and stood from the bed, wrapping my arms around her waist and resting my head against her shoulder while she pulled her hair back into the same messy bun she always wore it in.

I rarely commented on her fashion choices, but I'm sure I had told her at one point that this was my favorite hairstyle on her. If I was a more conceited man, I might actually think she wore it like that because I told her that.

Who am I kidding? Of _course_ she wore her hair like that because I told her it was my favorite.

"All right," I murmured to her earlier statement of going on the mission. "You'll be careful, right?"

"Careful doesn't win wars, Hux."

I tightened my grip on her waist reflexively, always subconsciously protecting her. Jo had been my number one priority for years, and that hadn't changed just because she was physically stronger than me now. "Promise."

I heard her sigh before she turned to press a kiss on the top of my head, one hand cupping my cheek. "I promise."

Knowing that she wouldn't promise me something light-heartedly, I smiled and gave her one last kiss before releasing her. "I'm going to get dressed in my tent and I'll meet you at the briefing room."

"Okay," she nodded, flipping open the fabric door. "I'll see you in there."

* * *

After changing into one of my personal favorite suits- completely silver, including the vest and tie- I strolled into the meeting room with my hands in my pockets. They had started without me, but due to my impeccable timing, I managed to waltz in at the perfect time to tactfully interrupt. Phillips had been complaining about Schmidt's weaponry, which nobody other than HYDRA knew more about than me.

Jo was sitting on Steve's left, and I sat in the last empty seat that just so happened to be on her right. "Schmidt's working with powers beyond our capabilities. He gets across the Atlantic, he will wipe out the entire Eastern Seaboard in an hour."

Gabe asked how much time we had left, and Phillips said we had less than 24 hours to break into their last operational base, which was five hundred feet below the surface of the Alps.

Jim was the next to speak up, tossing the photograph of HYDRA's base on the table. "So what are we supposed to do? I mean, it's not like we can just knock on the front door."

"Why not?" This guy sometimes, I swear. Everybody turned to look at Steve at the same time, but I had my eyes trained on Jo. If I know her as well as I think I do- which I do- she's going to be the first person to volunteer to go with him. "That's exactly what we're going to do."

"I knew that look meant something," Jo sighed and shrugged. "Well, why the hell not?" I knew it. "Nobody can turn down a pretty face like this." She gestured towards her own face with a bright smile, and the rest of the guys in the room groaned. I just shook my head, thinking more about how I could convince her to not go on this mission. "Ouch. Harsh."

One by one the rest of the guys agreed to the plan since nobody could come up with anything better. That ended the meeting, and as soon as Jo stood from her seat I was following after her with one thought on my mind- I have to keep her safe.

The second we were back in her tent, she was arming herself with guns and knives strapped over her waist and thighs. I watched with arms crossed, considering the best way to go about this.

"Your promise still holds up for this mission," I started.

Jo smiled what I'm sure she thought was a reassuring smile, but it was really the same one she always wore when she was trying to placate me. "I know. I will be careful, but that doesn't make where I'm going any less dangerous."

Not good enough. She isn't taking this seriously- again. "Stay."

She sighed again, shaking her head, and I knew immediately that nothing I said would convince her. That sure as hell wasn't going to stop me from trying, though. "I knew you were going to ask that." She placed her hands firmly on her hips, and I knew I was in for an argument. "I can't just abandon Steve, or the Commandos. I'm going."

"You belong in a lab, not on the battlefield," I tried, silently begging her to listen to me for once.

"I'm just as capable as the rest of the guys out there risking their lives."

I groaned at the simple thought of her risking her life. "They have experience! You've gone on one mission."

"One _successful_ mission."

"It doesn't matter, Jo!" I shouted, dropping all carefree airs. If she wasn't going to take me seriously, I was at least going to drill exactly how dangerous this was into her head. "You can't take this guy on. Trust me, while you were sneaking off to your training seminars, I was here studying the HYDRA weaponry. I don't know what the hell these guys are using to power their weapons, but it's something that we can't even hope to counter. You can't take this guy on!"

Despite my yelling, she was still eerily calm. God damn this woman's sensibility. "Maybe I can't. But that doesn't mean that I can leave everyone else to handle it for me!"

"It's not your job!" I reiterated.

"But it _is_ my responsibility!" What the hell did she mean her responsibility? Nobody expected any more from her than she had already given- didn't she understand that? She's already gone so incredibly above and beyond. After all this time, did she still really hold herself to such higher standards than everybody else? "Everybody here is doing their damnedest to win this war, and I have _no right_ to do any less. I can make a bigger difference out there than I could ever make staying here, and you know that. You're just being selfish trying to keep me here."

I scoffed at how little she knew, even after all these years with me. "Who gives a shit if I'm being selfish?" I certainly didn't.

"I do! Fuck that, the whole damned world gives a shit, Howard! You can't keep me here just because you're afraid of what might happen to me!"

How could she not see that that's _exactly_ why I had to keep her here? "Dammit," I growled, balling my hands into fists. Where's a drink when I need one? "Damn it all, Jo, I can't- you just… Fuck," I hissed under my breath, gritting my teeth. She was really going to make me say it, wasn't she? "I can't lose you, okay? If you want me to talk about my stupid feelings, I will."

I looked straight at her, praying to any deity that might possibly exist out there in the universe that she would finally understand. "I love you, Jo. You're my best friend, and if being selfish keeps you alive, I will be selfish. Screw Schmidt, screw HYDRA, screw everybody else. I need you. Here. Alive."

Jo blinked a few times, like she had been staring at the sun too long, and for a split second I thought that she might finally, _finally_ understand. "You know I love you muchly, Huxley." She said it so quietly I might have missed it, but I could have never missed the way my childish hopes were crushed when I realized that she still didn't _understand_.

If I was a weaker man, I might have cried. But no, I'm Howard freaking Stark. Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. I don't cry- especially not because of women.

"I love you muchlier, Susie."

She stepped forward, cupping my cheeks and pressing her forehead against mine. I closed my eyes, shoving down my weakness and forcing myself to let her go. She would come back, and maybe then I could make her understand.

"I'm not going to die," she promised with a whisper, pulling me tighter into her embrace. "I'm coming back to you. I promise."

I could have said a million things, but because I'm me, of course I had to turn it into a joke. "If you don't, I'm totally firing you."

She chuckled and nodded, pulling back just enough to kiss my cheek. "I can agree to that. Don't you worry your pretty little head about me, Hux. The minute I'm off that plane, I'm coming to see you. Promise."

Just like I did for all of our most important promises since high school, I held out my pinky to her with a half-assed smirk. I could tell that the serious expression on her face was as equally forced as my cocky one, but neither of us commented as we hooked pinkies. "Promise," I repeated.

Yes, she would come back. And when she did, then I would make her understand.

* * *

The minute Jo was out of sight I was back in the lab, distracting myself by going over the calculations on the HYDRA weaponry over and over and over, never understanding a single number more than the last time I'd read them.

Maybe if I found something useful, I could get word to Peggy or Phillips and we could all get home faster. Working without Jo made me antsy, and I found it that much more difficult to concentrate knowing that she was facing the biggest baddie to walk to earth in a long, long time.

After an hour or so, my slow progress was interrupted by a young soldier rushing into my room, breathless. "Mr. Stark, Agent Carter is talking to Captain Rogers and Dr. Moore over the radio. She said to get you right away- the plane is going down."

The minute I heard Jo's name I was out the door, sprinting towards the radio room. I couldn't have cared less about the weird looks soldiers were tossing my way- I was more than used to them at this point. All I cared about was checking in on Jo. She was okay, she had to be okay. She promised me she would be okay, and she had never broken a promise to me before- _ever._

I shoved the door open, running into the room. "Jo! Peggy, give me that." Peggy was clinging to the radio microphone like a lifeline, but in that moment her feelings were none of my concern and I practically ripped it out of her hand, pushing her chair to the side and slamming the button to talk to Jo. "Jo?"

I heard her clear her throat before her voice crackled over the speakers. Even with the static, I could hear the thickness of her tears. "Hey, Huxley."

"Hey, no crying, baby girl," I shook my head despite the fact she couldn't see me, and despite the fact that I knew I could only keep mine back for so long. "We don't cry in front of each other, remember?"

"It just isn't done," she agreed with a little chuckle. I love her laugh so much that even now I couldn't help but laugh with her.

"Exactly. Of course you would choose to ignore our rules, even now."

"You know me, Hux. I've never been one for following the rules."

It suddenly hit me- this is it. She's going down. I'll never see her again. This morning had started out so perfectly, waking up with her wrapped up in my arms. How had everything gone so terribly wrong in just a matter of hours? I was supposed to finally make her understand when she came back- except she isn't coming back now.

"Do me a favor and don't fire me for this."

"Of course not," I agreed. My eyes were stinging with the effort of forcing the tears back, but I refused to cry. We had a rule. Jo would break it, because that's who she is. A beautiful, hilarious, rule-breaking little genius. But I couldn't. I was always the one to maintain the balance. It had never been harder than in this moment.

"This isn't your fault," I continued, wanting to make this as normal and easy for her as possible. Even with my world shattering in front of me, she was my number one priority. Always. "This was all that bastard Schmidt, you hear me? None of this is on you."

"I love you muchly, Huxley."

I dropped my elbows against the console, holding my head up against my fists. "I love you muchlier, Susie."

I waited for her response, but all that came through the speakers was harsh static. I missed it. She's gone, and I never told her. She never understood. She never could understand exactly how much it hurt me to hear and say those words, more now than ever.

From the corner of my eye I could see Peggy's shoulders shaking, and for the first time I remembered that Steve was on the plane with Jo.

Two of the three people I actually cared for in this world- gone. Just like that. Why those two? Why them? Steve and Jo were special, they were…

Special.

I stood from the console, staring straight ahead at the wall as I considered the possibility. The serum, the freezing waters. Cryogenics had been considered, it was a very distinct possibility…

It had to be. They weren't gone. I refused to believe it, it was impossible. They weren't gone, they were just frozen. But I could find them. If it took me my whole damn life, I would find them.

I would find _her._

And she would finally understand exactly how in love with her I am.


End file.
